I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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