I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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