Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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