and you said cock pushups were impossible
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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