can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
