i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
