He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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