Already got asked if we're dating
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
