He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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