There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
