Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize