Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
