I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
