I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
