Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
