I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
