So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it glows. i had to have it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
