The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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