No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
