weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
