dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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