Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize