**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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