two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
