You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
