Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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