dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I would ride that face into the sunset
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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