Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
