My Higher Power is John Stamos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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