Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
