I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
