Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
