I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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