I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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