The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Drake has all the answers
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
