I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can I color on your dick again?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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