Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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