He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
