I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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