Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
