I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
