If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
