Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
