i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
