before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
