Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
