Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am naked and annoyed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
