i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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