God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
