my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
