Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
