Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize