He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
why is half of my head shaved?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
