In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Alive.
So much puke
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Drunk is not a location!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
