apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize