Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
