theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
