Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
