On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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