Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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