My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize