I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
